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I’m so good at studying for finals.

I’ve managed to not even look at French yet!

YAYYYY HEIDIIIII YOU WINNNN

DAMN IT, TUMBLR.

I like to go through my hundreds of likes and delete stuff, put stuff on Pinterest instead, etc.

BUT STUPID TUMBLR WON’T LET ME UNLIKE THE EARLIEST POSTS THAT I LIKED IN 2009.

STUPID.

I NO LONGER AM INTERESTED IN LIKING A COUPLE OF HIPSTER PICTURES AND DUMB SHIT.

This is obviously making me more frustrated than it should.

I am stuck at 160.

A self evaluation of sorts. Or something.

My mind needs to just chill the fuck out.

I guess it’s time to call my doctor and up my prescription because I shouldn’t be doing this as often as I have been lately.  I also might need a refresher cognitive behavior therapy session because it’s been a while since the initial sessions and I’m finding myself reverting to old habits:

  • Re-touching things
  • Hiding tags on towels and refolding things
  • Seeing “not right” stuff and not resisting the urge to “fix”
  • Over-thinking social interactions and “mind reading” and “fortune telling”

I’m going to have to go re-read my chapters about fixing my negative thinking. It worked once, I just need to re-teach myself better habits.

Tonight I just got this weird urge to be with people and I felt lonely. The thing is, I interacted socially all day but I guess something felt off.

I think it’s because the whole hiding-the-mental-illness thing isn’t working out and I need to be more honest with myself and others. I’m afraid of other people knowing yet I can’t explain to them WHY I am acting a certain “weird” way, thus they just don’t and can’t understand.

I love to be alone and a lot of the time I just want people to disappear. Then I get strong urges to be with people even when it’s not convenient and I can’t explain it.

I never did interact with other humans in the most graceful way. I’m pretty sure it started in the womb. I was a very shy, introverted, obsessive, emotional, distant, and frankly fucked up child who refused to interact with other children. I have to live with this and though I’ve made progress I have nights like tonight where I must re-evaluate ALL THE THINGS.

Like I just did with this post.

Good night, y’all.

(I should remember that I have really weird/awesome friends to hang out with, cute dogs I get to see soon, parents that try to understand, and an old BFF I haven’t seen in forever will be here tomorrow!)

IT’S ANXIETY ATTACK TIME

  • I REFUSE TO STUDY FOR THIS TEST ANYMORE BECAUSE IT’S TOO MUCH INFORMATION AND IS ABOUT TO CEMENT MY DECISION TO CHANGE MAJORS. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY, I’M SICK OF LEARNING ABOUT WHITE DUDES STARTING POINTLESS WARS.
  • ALSO I MIGHT HAVE JUST ADMITTED TO MYSELF THAT MY BOYFRIEND IS MOVING AWAY IN TWO MONTHS.

CAN I JUST GO DIE NOW PLEASE. FUCK.

Ugh.

Seriously, the people taking charge of organizing this Unite Women rally do not know how to use Facebook or the internet in general. Frustrating.

And you’re making me feel like the slacker? No thank you. I have to go to class and not completely ignore the people in my life. I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU ALL. I know you want to run the whole show for our state but sometimes I just want to scream YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

Also they say some really sketchy things that more up to date feminists wouldn’t dare. Seriously, learn the concepts before you get all WOMEN POWER and forget about some really important shit and forget to check your privilege or your own internalized ideas about gender.

Vague on purpose.

I just can’t.

I’m falling slowly.

Being around my family is starting to take a toll, like it always has.

My father refuses to try to listen or understand me, and if I say anything that he doesn’t like, I’m automatically shut down, not allowed to stand up for myself without getting yelled at, accused of trying to “pick fights” (honestly, why the FUCK would I want to end a conversation with “I hate you” and start crying in front of everyone.) that don’t exist, and I don’t appreciate raised voices trying to silence MINE.  I do not have a voice in this family sometimes.  My mother tries to stand up for me because my dad is obviously being unreasonable, but he JUST WON’T LISTEN to anything but his own blinding illogical anger.

Honestly, I’ve made huge efforts to calm myself and be more social around then, over the past year I’ve overcome the desire to end my life and the depression I’ve dealt with forever…but even when I’m happiest, it can all come crashing down when I am disrespected and silenced.

I can’t stand it any longer, but what is there to do?  I’m stuck until August.