- Failing at baking cookies
- Going out for Chinese
- Opening presents
- And learning the huge family secret
I would just like to take a moment to say that at this time last year, on Halloween, I had one of the most awful anxiety attacks of my entire life. It just got worse and worse. I hit bottom and I almost took drastic measures. I could have really really hurt myself and I suppose that no matter how horrible that black hole I’d fallen into was…I was meant to get out of it.
And I’d just like to state that I cannot believe how far I’ve come. I’d just like this to be a thank-you not only my wonderful therapist who helped me overcome so much after that, but also a thank-you to my friends and family, including all the wonderful people I’ve been able to meet and talk to after my transfer to LSU.
Exactly one year ago, I wouldn’t even have been able to talk to or connect with people at all.
But now I feel more normal than I ever have in my entire life. I’m still working on it, but I’m really really thankful for everyone who has helped me progress and continues to comfort me when I need it…
Just feeling retrospective this evening. :)
Ignoring the fact that all my possessions might be destroyed, it seems almost…fun to be in a hurricane.
Maybe a Category 1 storm, sure, it’s frightening in a kind of cool way. While I was at home during Hurricane Katrina I thought it was rather fun as well. It wasn’t the first hurricane I had experienced (usually we had ‘hurricane parties’ and celebrated it, such is the New Orleans tradition), and even as I watched trees fall through my roof and we had to use every bucket, bin, and towel in my house to keep my home from flooding, I still had that rush of adrenaline that could be mistaken for having fun. The experience is definitely interesting, yet confusing.
But the next day as my grandparents walked in the door sobbing, after going to check on their house in Waveland, MS, and saying (I remember perfectly) “Everything is gone,” I then knew that hurricanes were no longer the fun experience they once could be.
The next few weeks as we ate MREs, tried to find solace by getting away from home, having extremely limited communication, and finally seeing the first news footage of New Orleans, were miserable. The fun part was over once the realization hit.
So yes, I know how you feel when you say all the hustle and bustle and riskiness of it all sounds fun - I truly understand. But they are also very harmful in so many ways.
But alas, this will be a Cat 1 storm when it makes landfall. It’s going to be windy and maybe a little rainy, and maybe a little bit scary.
True, mother, but only because people have been having oral sex SINCE THE BEGINNING OF FUCKING TIME.
No pun intended.
God forbid we show a female in a movie actually enjoying something.
If only she knew.
Being around my family is starting to take a toll, like it always has.
My father refuses to try to listen or understand me, and if I say anything that he doesn’t like, I’m automatically shut down, not allowed to stand up for myself without getting yelled at, accused of trying to “pick fights” (honestly, why the FUCK would I want to end a conversation with “I hate you” and start crying in front of everyone.) that don’t exist, and I don’t appreciate raised voices trying to silence MINE. I do not have a voice in this family sometimes. My mother tries to stand up for me because my dad is obviously being unreasonable, but he JUST WON’T LISTEN to anything but his own blinding illogical anger.
Honestly, I’ve made huge efforts to calm myself and be more social around then, over the past year I’ve overcome the desire to end my life and the depression I’ve dealt with forever…but even when I’m happiest, it can all come crashing down when I am disrespected and silenced.
I can’t stand it any longer, but what is there to do? I’m stuck until August.