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My family consists of a bunch of insensitive assholes.

I swear. If I hear one more joke or condescending remark about side effects of my antidepressants and anti anxiety medication, I will fuck shit up.

So my mother saw my Unite Women speech.

And to my complete surprise, she’s proud of me and told her book club about it and wants to share it on her Facebook.

I’m shocked because I definitely figured it would be too liberal for her and I was uneasy about showing her. But, someone tagged me on Facebook and she saw it anyway.

So I feel really happy now. My conservative Catholic mother is proud of me for giving a speech about women’s reproductive rights. Like what…? Crazy, huh?

A lot of my life I’ve felt really alone, especially once I realized my beliefs didn’t match up with those of my parents. This conflicted with my constant childhood desire to please my parents like my sisters did. I always just strived for acceptance from my peers and especially my parents. I know they always accepted me, but I often felt like a disappointment throughout my childhood and teenage years whether it was warranted or not.

So right now…I am shedding a few happy tears because I finally feel like someone is proud of me in a way that I can actually feel. All these years of struggling with depression and anxiety are almost in my past. I have such a better handle on things now. First of all, I actually gave a speech. In public. In front of people. So I’m gonna have to be proud of myself for that.

Tomorrow I have a job interview and I expect to make a good impression.  I want to rock it. Right now, confidence is up.

I was depressed.

Then I started randomly singing Cat Steven’s “If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out”

And now it’s kind of okay.

Who wants to talk to me via my ask box to keep my mind off of having a nervous breakdown?

Seriously, y’all.  I need some social interaction.

I can’t stop crying and I don’t know why.

It’s like every bad thought just came crashing down on me at once and my god, it’s heavy.

I don’t know what to do. It’s been a long time since this has happened.

Just realized I’m out of my meds. If I already wasn’t in a shit mood, I guess tomorrow’s going to be just WONDERFUL until I can get my prescription filled.

Fuck.  Fuck fuck fuck.

A thank you…

I would just like to take a moment to say that at this time last year, on Halloween, I had one of the most awful anxiety attacks of my entire life.  It just got worse and worse. I hit bottom and I almost took drastic measures.  I could have really really hurt myself and I suppose that no matter how horrible that black hole I’d fallen into was…I was meant to get out of it.

And I’d just like to state that I cannot believe how far I’ve come.  I’d just like this to be a thank-you not only my wonderful therapist who helped me overcome so much after that, but also a thank-you to my friends and family, including all the wonderful people I’ve been able to meet and talk to after my transfer to LSU.

Exactly one year ago, I wouldn’t even have been able to talk to or connect with people at all.

But now I feel more normal than I ever have in my entire life.  I’m still working on it, but I’m really really thankful for everyone who has helped me progress and continues to comfort me when I need it…

Just feeling retrospective this evening. :)

-Heidi

I’m falling slowly.

Being around my family is starting to take a toll, like it always has.

My father refuses to try to listen or understand me, and if I say anything that he doesn’t like, I’m automatically shut down, not allowed to stand up for myself without getting yelled at, accused of trying to “pick fights” (honestly, why the FUCK would I want to end a conversation with “I hate you” and start crying in front of everyone.) that don’t exist, and I don’t appreciate raised voices trying to silence MINE.  I do not have a voice in this family sometimes.  My mother tries to stand up for me because my dad is obviously being unreasonable, but he JUST WON’T LISTEN to anything but his own blinding illogical anger.

Honestly, I’ve made huge efforts to calm myself and be more social around then, over the past year I’ve overcome the desire to end my life and the depression I’ve dealt with forever…but even when I’m happiest, it can all come crashing down when I am disrespected and silenced.

I can’t stand it any longer, but what is there to do?  I’m stuck until August.